Managing Difficult Conversations

Gaining Self-Awareness

• Once we understand WHY it happens, then we will have a better chance of HOW to resolve it.

• Before addressing a conflict, determine if it’s worth it. How important is it to you?

• The Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Model shows that we respond to conflict in 5 different ways: Compete, Collaborate, Compromise, Avoid, and Accommodate.

The BIR Feedback Model

• Focus feedback conversations on behaviors, not judgments.

• Judgments are opinions, subjective, and vague. People can become defensive when a judgment words describes them because it can feel like an attack on your personal character.

• Behaviors are observable actions (what you saw or heard). They’re facts and hard to debate against.

• Let the person know the Behavior they exhibited, the Impact their behavior made on their job, the team, or the organization, and your Request of them.

• When people know the positive or negative impact of their behavior, they’ll know whether to continue or correct their behavior.

• Use a progressive feedback approach. Level 1: Request only. Level 2: Behavior + Request. Level 3: Behavior + Impact + Request.

The Mindset Shift

• Assume best intentions and separate observation/behavior and judgment. Separate what they did/said from how you feel about what they did/said. 

• Be curious. Ask questions like: “What’s your real concern about the project? What has to occur for you to comfortably support a solution? You seem hesitant. Tell me more.”

• Understand it’s not about winning, it’s about resolving. All parties will naturally want to get their ways.

• Have a possible solution. Anytime you disagree with someone else, have an alternative solution. 

4 Things to Avoid in Constructive Conversations

• Trigger Words such as should, need to, but

• Absolute Words such as always, never

• Blame such as it’s your fault or you made the mistake

• Overgeneralization such as the whole project is a disaster or not a single deadline was met

4 Ways to Get People to be More Receptive

• Let them opt-in to feedback. e.g., "Hey Sandeep, I have some questions about the project. Can we chat more about it? I would love to hear your thoughts, too.”

• State your positive intentions. e.g., “I’m having a hard time figuring out the best way to say this, but I’m saying this because I care.”

• Help them feel seen, heard, and understood. Lead with empathy by reflecting on how their thoughts, feelings, or actions they want to happen.

• Show agreement where possible. Use words that reduce tension and increase collaboration. Disagree with the issue or statement, not with the person.